See what it's like to look through my eyes

About Me

Six years with my boobear!

I had to use this song to help me create the lyrics in my own way. But I got something really good! So here it is. Oh and this isn’t the actual translation. If you want the actual translation, go look it up.

You said something to me, and it kinda pierced through me.
I don’t know why it bothered me, it just did.
But hearing it from you made me feel like I wasn’t myself.
I pouted, but you saw though it. You did the next best thing after.
Made me smile.

You’ve seen me when I’m down.
You’ve seen me when I’m happy
You’ve been there when I needed someone’s hand to hold on to.
I know you’re always there for me
I know you’re trying to help me out
Saying thank you isn’t enough, but you’re my most precious treasure.

You reminded me of something so simple that I forgotten.
My grandfather told me this one thing.
You can’t change the past just as you can’t change the flow of the wind and water.
I have to keep looking forward and stand up tall towards my path that I face.

Even if I’m all alone
Even if I’m left crying by myself.
I know that you’ll be there with open arms to hold me close and tight
If I try and close my eyes,
I can hear you calling out to me
And for some reason now that is my most precious treasure that I hold.

Here’s to our 6th year of being together. And hope for many years to come.


Some mindless ranting…

So for some reason while I was listening to music. I started thinking about my past. Like what brought me to where I am today. And to be honest, if I could go back with the maturity and knowledge I have today, I think I would of changed a couple of things. I really wished that I would of stayed focused to school and not care about what my social life would be. Like I was at a constant worry about it to the point where I thought barely passing classes, and trying to get a girl. (Yes I was straight and confused about myself back then.) was considered cool. I want to say it’s because I saw my brother like that when we were younger and he was in everyone’s circle. Then my parents were noticing that my brother was being a bad influence on me. (And yes he was…lol) so they forced me to become a monk for god knows how many years. It was a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing was that my health was getting better, my asthma wasn’t as bad. Hell it’s barely even noticable today. Another good thing was that I was able to learn my culture, learn the myths and spirtual things. The bad was that I really didn’t want to be there. Mostly because there were rules that I didn’t want to follow. And other people who just got on my nerves and bullied me. Like I remember this one kid who would try to beat me up because I did something that annoyed him. After that I started learning swordsmenship and martial arts. I needed a way to at least defend myself. High School came around… wasn’t bullied or picked on; I was still near failing. (C’s and D’s..) It wasn’t because I didn’t understand it. It was because I thought it was cool still. My senior year, I was labeled as a stalker all because I came out to this one guy and apparently I drove by his house on the way to my cousins and he started spreading rumors about me. Once I got that diploma in my hands, I pretty much told myself not to deal with people at all. I didn’t want to deal with anyone from my class ever again. Hell, I didn’t even want to deal with anyone. So I pretty much started living for myself. I didn’t want to deal with my parents because I didn’t want to open up to them, I didn’t care for my friends expect for those that were really close to me. Other than that, I started living my life like “I’ll go on alone and will always be alone.” So I ended up becoming socialy akward and a loner. As life went on, I started to follow my heart and soon, I was able to express myself the way I wanted to. And because of that, I am where I am now. I have friends in different circles who do care for me in their own ways. Sometimes I don’t see it, but I think they do at least. If they didn’t, I don’t think I would be friends with them now. I even have a boyfriend who loves me for who I am, even though I know I’m not the best at a lot of things but I do give it my all. I think what Buddha said was true. You have to go out there and find your happiness. Like what makes you who you are today?

Yea I know it sounds like I’m crying out for attention by writing this but in all honesty; I just want to show everyone that you’re not alone in this world. Someone out there will love you for who you are.
Express yourself. Express your feelings. Do things that will make you happy. Who cares what people think of you. They’re just jelious and close-minded. If they label you and shun you out of their life, don’t care about it. There’s 6 billion other people in the world that might like you for who you are. If you’re going to change yourself, then do it for the right reason. Not for other people but for yourself. You can do anything if you put your mind to it.

To whoever reads this, all I ask is that you just spread the words of just “Expressing Yourself”. And thanks for actually reading this.


My “Muscle Chub” progression.

So about a month ago, I actually gave some thought about changing myself. Why don’t I just become muscular? So I decided to start lifting. Within a month, I am actually seeing results. I would post pics but my “chubbiness” still hides my muscles. But I can feel myself changing.

Before I did start on my diet, I weighed about 345lbs. Now I’m actually down to 285lbs. My goal right now is to hit 270 and be able to lift 50lbs dumbbells. So around 2 months I have lost 60lbs and have still kept it off. I’m starting to think that people have their own way of losing the pounds. For me, it was just changing the way I ate. I didn’t follow a 2000 calorie plan. (Or maybe I did. I didn’t add up the calories I had each day. I want to say I ate like 2700 to 3000 calories.) I rarely ate fast food. (If I did, it would of been something that I knew for sure would fill me up for a long period of time.) And lucky for me I don’t have a sweet tooth. So I pretty much cut out sugar. (Aside from like 1 or 2 bottles of pop.)  My exercise consisted of doing basic martial arts and swordsmanship, to walking, playing dance dance revolution, and playing video games that made me move.

I guess you can do anything as long as you put your mind into it. You just have to remember that only you can change yourself. No one else can change you.

2008 potrait

2011 potrait

I know right? Not much change huh? I don’t know what people are saying that I have changed a lot. I just don’t see it. I’m not too worried about it.


Muscle Chub?

So my brother comes up with this idea of me being one. Mainly because I’m in between the husky build and a chubby build. So I sat there thinking about it and I came to the conclusion that I might as well try. I could use the muscle strength. And besides, it could be a nice change to my lifestyle. Since I somehow lost 50lbs by just changing my diet. (Thank you being unemployed. Forcing me to eat less, spend only what I need to, saving a lot of food…) I guess I need to do more research on what I need to do in order for me to become one… any advice would be great.


Chinese Mafia? What? I don’t look like that… do I?

Ok so I think I told my friends that I was going to grow a fu-manchu last month around this time… It’s been one month and it’s been growing… only thing is… they’re saying I look like a Chinese mafia. First I thought, “Hahahaha, that’s funny.” Then after looking at myself in the mirror. I started having second thoughts. You know, I kind of do look like a Chinese mafia. Hopefully people won’t be scared of me….? Anyways I’ll let you guys judge for yourself. And yes, I’m still trying to grow it out. It’s not really at the fu-manchu level but it will be.


What Video Game Character Would You Line Yourself Up With?

A friend of mine actually asked me this. Of course to most people, this question is pretty tough since they might not like what they want. As for myself, I think I know the answer to this. Even though I’m not a big fan of the character as much but hey… I’m like her. So who is this character you ask? Why it’s none other than Flandre Scarlet.

Who is Flandre Scarlet?

Well according to Zun’s profile on her…

Sister of the Devil

Flandre Scarlet

Ability: Destruction of anything and everything

The Extra Boss. Also the Mistress’s younger sister.

She is a vampiric magical girl and has been the Scarlet Devil’s younger sister for about 495 years.

She’s kind of nuts and isn’t usually allowed out of the mansion, but she usually doesn’t try to let herself out.

She really respects her older sister Remilia, but her raw destructive power far exceeds that of her sister’s. Although she is usually docile, her insanity makes it difficult for others to understand her.

When vampires attack humans, they generally try to take their prey alive so that they can suck its blood afterward, but Flandre has always been fed with cooked dishes, so she doesn’t know how to properly attack a human. Whenever she tries to attack a human, she can’t control herself and blows them away without leaving a spot of blood.

Perhaps she can’t tell that her daily meals are made from living humans.

Her meals look like such harmless foodstuffs as cake and tea, after all…”

So Why Flandre?

Well even though she is a bit psychotic and insane, but she does have a calm and quiet side too. (Well as what most doujin circles made her out to be.) But also if you read what Zun wrote on her profile, (hinting at “Although she is usually docile, her insanity makes it difficult for others to understand her”) So I am assuming that she can be normal at most times, but when she goes into her insane mode, then you’re kinda screwed. I ended up choosing her because I can relate to her more easily than any other video game characters.

And why is that?

Lets take a look at some of her profile in Perfect Memento

  • Flandre doesn’t have many friends, and even her older sister Remilia is hardly ever with her.

This is true for me as well. I don’t really have that much friends at all. Well I do have friends, but I’m not the popular type. Hell most of my friends are just new people that I have met. I haven’t really had the time to know more about them.

  • She apparently rarely, if ever, attends the parties at the mansion.

Same here! I don’t go out and party as much as I should. Even if I do get invited, I just don’t go for some reason.

  • Normally she’s locked up in the mansion, but it seems she might actually be a shut-in who stays there willingly.

Maybe I am a shut in? I’m not really locked up in my house, but my parents try to make stay at home at all times when I was younger… I guess it worked. Damn…

  • Because she is rarely seen by visitors, there are many mysteries about her.

There are plenty of mysteries about me. If you want to know, why not just ask me up front. If you don’t think I’m being honest, present the Magatama to me and try to break my psyche-locks. (hahaha! Phoenix Wright reference!)

  • She also has extreme physical strength.

I WISHED!

  • Unsurprisingly, all the toys she plays with get broken.

Yep… when I was younger, I would destroy my toys… Oh those poor old TMNT, Power rangers, Gundam… (the list goes on…) toys that I have ever owned…

So I’m going to end this as a question for you (the reader). What Video Game Character Would You Line Yourself Up With? Feel free to leave an answer in the comments.

One more thing… I am not a vampire freak.